HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I don't know who I'll dress up as for Halloween this year, but I'm pretty sure I know which direction Browns quarterback Ken Dorsey is leaning. Below are pictures of Ken Dorsey and Jim Carrey as "Lloyd Christmas" from the movie Dumb & Dumber. Dorsey might as well go out and purchase his orange tux right now. Ken Dorsey, you are one pathetic loser.

Nolton League: Week 8 Picks of the Week...

Lots of close games last week...so you'll have to excuse the pickmaster for his mere 3-2 pick record. This week, I'm certain, I'll bat .1000:

Game of the Week: Fentons 83 Heroes 60

In a humbling upset, look for Fenton to hand it to the Heroes this week. The Heroes are coming off an emotional win against co-blogger, Anti-Ryan, and are likely due for a letdown. And Fenton has enough talent to take advantage.

I think the Heroes are getting too carried away playing the matchups this week and it could burn them. For instance, I’m not a fan of Delhomme against a Minnesota team coming off a huge season-changing win. I also think the Lions defense is a bad play (I say this from personal experience). And you just can’t bank on Az Hakim, after his one and only big game in the last five years. I do, however, think Ronnie Brown should be good for 80 and a TD against the Saints. The Boldin trade was a smart move and should pay immediate dividends with 90 yards and a TD. Also, the Eagles’ offense needs a big game—and they’ll rely heavily on Brian Westbrook, leading to a score and nearly 200 total yards.

For Fenton, he’s looking for a spark to an otherwise disappointing season; a win over the Heroes could be that spark. I like both his running backs—McGahee and Parker—to break the crack the century mark against beat-up defenses. Favre should be in a shoot-out in Cinci, with no running game—meaning lots of yards and 2-3 TD’s. And Mike Williams is the only healthy offensive threat in Detroit, making him the best Lions candidate to get into the endzone. But I think the big difference here will be Tampa’s defense, off a bye, facing Ken Dorsey and the Niners. The question won’t be will the Bucs defense score—rather, it’ll be how many times will they score? Look for them to crack 20 fantasy points and carry Fenton to a win and back into playoff contention.

Least of the Week: Jumbo Jets 65 Terry’s Titans 55

The similarities between these teams are uncanny. Both teams have only one win this season. Both teams feature starting QB’s named Drew. Both teams have alliterative team names (TT v. JJ). And both teams suffer from a lack of imagination re. those team names, using actual NFL team names for their fantasy monikers. I think, after that, however, the similarities end. The Titans have a dearth of talent; the Jets have been unlucky. I’ll pick talent over luck any day.

Last week, the pickmaster picked all of the Jumbo Jets WR’s to score TD’s—and they all did. Look for an encore performance; what was considered a weakness of the Jumbo Jets coming into the season, the WR core, has turned into a strength. Santana Moss, Ward and McCardell have all been consistent #1 WR’s—and with the matchups this week, they should all score.

The Titans? Well, I expect Ricky Williams to get maybe 20 yards. And Rudi Johnson, though steady with carries, has only 2 TD’s this season…and won’t add to that measly total this week. Travis Taylor and Derrick Mason should be used only out of desperation (unfortunately, a pretty good indicator that the Titans are already looking to next year).

Feast of the Week: Anti-Ryan 93 Stewie Griffin 91

I think this will be the shoot-out of the week. Look for both defenses (Chicago and Jax) and both QB’s (Palmer and Leftwich) to be good for 20 fantasy points each. For Stewie, if Portis is truly back, then his backfield of Clinton and LT could put up 4 TD’s this week. And though I think Dante Hall is normally a weak play, San Diego/KC should see plenty of scoring and thus lots of return yards for Mr. Hall.

On the flip side, A-R’s heralded WR crew will be key this week—Moss seems to be healthy and should abuse Ms. Pac-Man and the Tennessee secondary (150 yards, 2 TD’s). Green Bay has been susceptible to the pass, meaning CJ should have a great bounce-back game (100 yards, 1 TD). I even like Plex to get a sneaky TD against a stout Washington defense (40 yards, 1 TD). But I think this win will come down to A-R’s make-shift backfield. Marion Barber will eat up the Cards for the tune of 2 scores and the Cadillac is back…against a Niners defense that allowed 4 rushing TD’s a week ago. A late Caddy TD will be the difference in this nail-biter.

Quick Picks:

Tony Clifton 73 “Numbers” (formerly known as Joey Joe Joe) 61

I think Brunell (200 yards, 1 TD, 2 ints) comes back down the earth for the numbers and Trent Green (330, 1 TD) finally shows up for Clifton. But the fantasy player of the week this week could be Clifton’s Priest Holmes—I like him to see endzone 3 times, keying a Clifton victory

Juggernutz 42 C-Bass 39

Neither team has exceptionally favorable mathcups. C-Bass’s Eli Manning is a must-bench play this week against the Skins. And, while normally any defense playing against Houston should be a fine play, I don’t see Cleveland’s defense scoring much at Houston, in what promises to be the end of Houston’s losing streak and the beginning of the Charlie Frye era in Cleveland. Look for two big scorers from Juggernutz—Corey Dillon (150 yards, 2 TD’s) and the Pittsburgh Defense (6 points, 3 ints, 1 TD)—to be the difference this week.

Random Observations: Week 7 Edition
(Is anyone reading these?)

Coaching Quote of the Week: When Dick Vermeil was asked about the NFL moving their game up to Friday, he responded, "If the New Orleans Saints can do what they're doing, the Kansas City Chiefs can do this for one weekend. These guys are professional athletes and represent the NFL. The league tells us to go and do it and we go do it. They pay us pretty well." Right on, coach.

Race Relations: I just can't get away from this NBA stuff. Sharp dressed man Michael Irvin said he was fine with the NBA dress code. Tom Jackson threw his two cents in... "They should just dress like they're going to court, they'll be fine".

More on B-ball (my apologies): ESPN radio host Erik Kuselias responded to Allen Iverson's comment that the new NBA dress code "sent a bad message to kids", by saying that was the dumbest thing ever said by an athlete. That pretty much means it was the dumbest thing ever said by anyone, doesn't it?

Head Scratcher of the Week: I couldn't believe when the head of the NFL referees, Mike Pereira said on NFL Total Access with a straight face that the Ernie Conwell "fumble" call was correct. I know he was protecting his guys, but it is what it is, and that's all there is to it.

Pass Happy Green Birds: There was a stretch Sunday when Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb thew 23 passes on 24 plays. The only non-pass play was when he spiked the ball.

Player Quote of the Week: "You can hate me all you want but you can't stop me. Put that in your pipe and smoke it." --Terrell Owens, on the sideline after scoring a touchdown Sunday.

LaVar Sighting: I can't figure out how a team can sit a guy like LaVar Arrington. He inexplicably sits on the bench forever, and when he finally gets in the game, he leads the team in tackles.

Stat of the Week: Did you know that the blocked field goal returned for a touchdown was the first one in Philadelphia Eagles franchise history? Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

First to Worst: How volatile is the NFC East? The Cowboys entered week 7 in first place and exited in last place.

Say What?: How old is St. Louis Rams QB Jamie Martin? He began his career with the Los Angeles Rams.

Copy-Cat Act: I'm still waiting for an original touchdown dance from Hines Ward. His mockeries of others' TD dances seemed genius at first (the game versus T.O. and the Eagles from last season comes to mind), but enough is enough. I'm sure you're more creative than that, Hines. Maybe he's trademarking being unoriginal?

Making the Most of It: Washington tight end Mike Sellers has five catches this year. Sellers has four touchdowns this season... now that is efficiency.

Southern Cal Connection: After an interception Sunday, Carson Palmer was leveled by Troy Polamalu, his former college roommate at USC.

Can You Say Desperation?: It must be pretty dire for people in Baltimore to call it "great news" that Kyle Boller is close to returning. Ditto: New York Jets, who are counting down the days until Jay Fieldler can save them.

MC's Weekly Soapbox/MC's Weekly Jab: After having had the opportunity to watch the play over and over on NFL network, the replay clearly shows Chad Johnson was out of the end zone on his diving catch against Pittsburgh. His hand was down out of bounds before his feet dragged. Sorry to all you Palmer/Johnson/Graham owners.

Random Observations: Week 6 Edition
(read and learn)

Star Treatment: Dallas coach Bill Parcells expressed concern about rookie running back Tyson Thompson last week. He said that Thompson hit the hole hard, but "it's not always the right hole".

Earning His Stripes: Bengals running back Chris Perry has 27 receptions so far this season. That is the most among all NFL running backs. It also is enough to tie him with such strong possession wide receivers as Keyshawn Johnson and Muhsin Muhammad and put him ahead of veterans like Eric Moulds and Jimmy Smith.

Feeling Randy: Something tells me that Randy Moss was not the big problem we all have been led to believe through the media. Must be something in the water (no pun intended) in Minnesota.

Kicking It: According to Lawrence Tynes, "There's no one out there who's better than me". He went on to clarify by saying, "Unless you bring in Akers or Vinatieri. In my opinion, those are the only two guys that I think could come in and replace me". You have to like the confidence of Larry, but that might be a little much from a guy who barely made the team this summer.

Eighty-eight Eighty-sixed: Last week Terrell Owens wore a Michael Irvin jersey after the game where Dallas killed the Eagles. To no one's surprise, Irvin defended this jersey choice to ESPN's Tom Jackson. Jackson argued that it would have been like John Elway wearing a Howie Long jersey. Irvin came back and said that it was different because Long was not an all time great. Okay, this is the part I love... Tom Jackson looked straight at "Playmaker", who failed to get into the Pro Football Hall of Fame on his first try, and stated matter of factly, "Long is a Hall of Famer!" That pretty much ended that.

Actions Speak Louder than Words: There's been much talk of Chicago supplanting starting running back Thomas Jones with rookie Cedric Benson. But as long as Jones is healthy, I don't see that happening. On Sunday, the game was out of reach for Minnesota in the fourth quarter but when the Bears recovered a fumble, it was Jones heading back into the game.

Hooked on Fonix: Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs was fined last week for making contact with an official. Referee Mike Carey said that Suggs "came at me with malice in his heart". Suggs made Arizona State grads around the world proud when he responded, "I had to go and look up the word 'malice'".

What Every Coach Will Tell You: The more I watch football games, the more I believe it's all about turnovers. The Broncos are rolling in no small part because they've turned the ball over exactly zero times over the last four games.

Darth Raider: The crowd in Oakland was extremely quiet as Randy Moss laid still on the turf after his injury. The guy in the Darth Vader suit reached his hand out pointing to Moss as if to "use the Force" to raise Moss back to health.

Quote of the Week/Throw Me the D*** Slant: Cowboys wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson reportedly said he was getting tired of running sideline routes. Coach Parcells was asked to comment and said, "Tell him to get open and we'll throw him something else".

Personal Note of the Week: In week 7 my team, who started Edgerrin James, faced off against the team who started Peyton Manning. When all was said and done, my team won by eight points. But it could have easily gone the other way. Check out these couple of series ending in touchdowns... Manning 4 yard pass to Stokley to the 1, James 1 yard TD :: Manning 18 yard pass to Harrison to the 1, James 1 yard TD. Sometimes it's best just not to know.

Breaking Fantasy News!!

Those with Chiefs and Dolphins on their fantasy teams must make sure they make transactions and line-up changes before this Friday, the 21st. The NFL has moved up the Chiefs/Fins game to miss the hurricane, thus affecting many fantasy teams across the country with very little notice:

NFL moves Chiefs Dolphins to Friday night because of hurricane
October 20, 2005
NEW YORK (AP) -- The game between the Miami Dolphins and the Kansas City Chiefs was rescheduled to Friday night to beat Hurricane Wilma's arrival in Florida.
The game will begin at 7 p.m. Friday instead of Sunday afternoon, which is about when Wilma is expected to hit Florida's southwestern coast.
NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said broadcast and television details were being worked out.
It's the third time since the start of the 2004 season that the Dolphins have rescheduled a home game because of a looming hurricane. Last year's home opener against Tennessee was played a day early because of Hurricane Ivan, and the Dolphins' Week 3 game with Pittsburgh was pushed back 7 1/2 hours by Hurricane Jeanne.

Fantasy Football 101:
Setting Your Starting Lineup

Okay, so you've selected your players, analyzed your strengths, grabbed a couple free agents, pulled a trade or two and now you're ready to set your starting lineup. You glance down at your roster and try to decide which players will start and which will sit this one out. Here are a few tips on how to ensure that your team has the winning edge. Remember: knowledge is the key to victory.


The single most important piece of information when determining your lineup is to know your deadlines.

All the research and breaking news in the world won't mean much if it's too late to change your lineup. It is critical that you know when your starting lineup is frozen.

It may sound silly to state this as the most important rule, but you'd be surprised at how often it is missed. During the course of the regular season, undoubtedly, someone will forget that there's a Thursday game, or that his stud RB is off that week. By the time he realizes his mistake, it'll be too late, and he'll start someone who is on a bye or injured and sit someone who should be starting.

On Wednesday of each week, grab the schedule and glance at it for a few minutes. Make note of any Thursday or Saturday games that may be scheduled that week. Also note which teams are off that week. Compare these teams with your roster players and make your changes early. As the deadline approaches, adjust your lineup as necessary. This may seem simple, but let's just put it out there because it is essential.


This is another simple rule that is sometimes overlooked. Identify and start your studs.

If you've got the #4 RB in the league, but he is facing the #1 run defense in the league, do you bench him for someone else? No way! Not unless you're lucky enough to have three stud runners on your roster. Your stud players are the guys who will be there week in and week out for you. These guys always find a way to contribute, so write them into your lineup in permanent marker. These stud players might not chip in 200 yards and 4 touchdowns every week, but even against the stingiest defenses, these guys can have an impact. Never sit your studs unless they are injured. Period.


To win in fantasy football, you must determine which players on your roster will score the most points in any given week.

If you can correctly determine your highest scoring player at every position you'll win most of your games. It sounds simple, but it's really not. After every loss, you will probably be able to look back on your roster and see a guy who would have won the game for you, if only you had started him.

The key to putting the best team on the field is to look at the opponents of all your players. Is your backup RB playing a team with a weak run defense? If so, you might slip him in as your #2. Is your backup QB playing a team with a banged up secondary? You might want to start him this week. Is your starting kicker playing outside in the rain or snow? You might want to start your backup instead. Knowing who your players are matched up against can really help maximize your scoring each week.

I've already mentioned this, but it's worth repeating. NEVER bench your stud players because your backups have an easier opponent. It is a VERY BAD idea. Don't do it. Always start your stud players. This can't be stressed enough.


Know your intangibles: here are a few other things to consider when rounding out your lineup.

*If one of your players is on a hot streak, take a chance and move him into the starting lineup, unless you have studs filling the position. (A hot streak constitutes when a player has had at least two strong fantasy weeks in a row).

*If everything else is equal between 2 players, start the one who is not listed on the injury report. Some points are better than none.

*As the deadline for your lineup approaches, check for breaking news about injured players. Was your starter downgraded on the injury report? Was a player injured at practice earlier in the week? A last minute change in the injury status of a player can leave you with a guaranteed zero from one of your starters. Avoid this if you can. (Note that some teams make this harder than others *cough* Broncos *cough*).

Follow these simple rules, and you will find that your team will be competitive week after week. Pulling out one or two close victories during the season can boost your squad into the playoffs, and even give you the edge to hoist your league's championship trophy when all is said and done.

The New Orleans Saints' Running Back Situation

Once Deuce McCallister went down two weeks ago to a torn ACL, all the fantasy vultures descended upon the waiver wire to hunt down his replacement. In deep leagues where even below-average fantasy runners like Frank Gore and Jerome Bettis are gone, the Saints' RB situation is a potential late-season gold mine. The question with the Saints, however, is: which back do you pick-- Antowain Smith, Aaron Stecker, or newly acquired Jesse Chatman? Well, let me break it down:
Antowain Smith: Smart Money

Smith had 12 carries for 88 yards and 2 TD's against the Falcons. Most importantly, he got the goal line carries, scoring on a one yard plunge. I would love to see Smith with more carries, but his touches near the goal line nonetheless make him the fantasy favorite.

Aaron Stecker: Chump Change

Stecker started the game for the Saints last week, and ended up with more carries than Smith (16) and about the same yards (86). I don't, however, think Stecker is a good play, given his dearth of goal line carries. And I have questions concerning his durability--16 carries (18 touches, if you include his two receptions) is probably asking a lot of a guy who is a third down back. Smith, meanwhile, has been a heavy-duty feature back with the Bills and Pats.

Jesse Chatman: Bling bling (?)

The Saints traded for Chatman on the heels of Deuce's injury. Though he was supposedly acquired for insurance, I'm willing to bet Chatman wil eventually get on the field and could be the sleeper of the trio. In backing up LT in San Diego, Chatman was a monster, averaging 6 ypc on 65 carries in 2004. He's a short, power back (5'8", 250 lbs.) with a nice burst. Once he learns the offense, he could really produce for the Saints. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and predict this: I think he's going to be the undisputed starter by week 12, if not before.

Recommendation: If you need a short-term start, pick up Smith and expect something in the neighborhood of 50 yards and a possible goal line TD. Keep your eye on Chapman however. Once he becomes active and starts getting a few carries, pick him up down the stretch. He could be a fantasy playoff stud.

Random Observations: Week 5 Edition
(and yes, you will be tested on this)

Big bend: Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said people were worrying him after his knee injury at the end of the Monday night game. Teammates on the sideline were telling him to look up at the jumbo-tron to "see how bad it looks".

Signs it's gonna be a rough year in San Francisco: Rookie Alex Smith began his career with a predictably shaky start against the Colts on Sunday. He completed passes to ten different players. Seven of them were on his team.

Signs it's gonna be a horrible year in San Francisco: Midway through the first quarter, Alex Smith was the team's leading tackler. No joke.

Packin' it in: Najeh Davenport scored the first two rushing touchdowns of the year for the Packers on Sunday. We're heading into week 6 and the Packers have two rushing touchdowns? And both are by Davenport?

What a Dick: In the new reality trainwreck on ESPN entitled "Bound for Glory", Dick Butkus goes back to Montour High School to coach football. The whole time Butkus yells at the kids and accuses them of having no heart. According to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Butkus bailed on the team with two games left in the season citing that "he'd fulfilled his contract for the show". Nice lesson on heart there, coach.

Oldies but goodies: Have you ever noticed that players are "old" and "washed up" when they're struggling, but the same exact guys show "veteran leadership" when they play well? (See: Drew Bledsoe, Mark Brunell, and Vinny Testaverde)

Love on the open seas: After the scandal involving some Vikings players allegedly participating in a "love-fest" on a cruise ship, if the Bears don't play the theme from "The Love Boat" when the Vikings are introduced on Sunday, they're really missing a golden opportunity.

It's Fantastic!: Sorry if I seem a little distracted today. I can't quite pull myself away from that preseason NBA action.

Odd-ballers: Speaking of the NBA... I know I don't usually talk about non-football stuff, but this was way too good to pass up. Basketball has instituted a new dress code where players will have to wear a coat and, Heaven forbid, a tie while traveling. Nuggets center, Marcus Camby says that the only way players will go along with this dress code is if they receive additional compensation. Said Camby, "I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes". Mr. Camby, by the way, has a $45 million contract with Denver. Okay, if that's not bad enough, non-practicer Allen Iverson said that players wearing coats and ties "sends a bad message to kids". I couldn't make that up if I tried.

Broken wings: To start the season, would you have thought that after week 5 the Eagles would be holding down last place in the NFC East? Yeah me neither.

Some guys just don't "play the game": Arizona fullback Obafemi Ayanbadejo is now officially number one on my hate list. Ayanbadejo was quoted as saying (and I quote), "Fantasy football is lame. Period. It's stupid as hell." He'd probably like it a lot more if everyone didn't think he sucked. BASS!

Red bird report: The 2005 Cardinals are still looking for their first win in the United States.

Genius of the week: Jacksonville defensive tackle Marcus Stroud was killing me on the sidelines Sunday night. Stroud told kicker Josh Scobee right before a field goal attempt, "Gimme three. At least."

Old man winter: How old is Vinny Testaverde really? Jets quarterback coach Jeremy Bates was a ball boy for the Browns when Testaverde played in Cleveland.

Jonesin' for a healthy back: Sunday was a bad day for running backs named Jones. Thomas, Kevin, and Julius all suffered injuries.

I smell a sit-com: When asked who he'd most like to be stranded with on a desert island, Cowboys rookie lineman Rob Petitti said without hesitation "Bill Parcells". That's either pretty scary, or extremely funny.

Drink up: Take a shot every time Ron Jaworski says something about "the juice" and take two shots every time James Brown says "paydirt". Warning: only attempt this if you don't care about the games that day, because you won't make it through the pre-game.

What's in a Name?

In an effort to appear witty and informed (as opposed to just handsome and debonair), JNR and MC have joined forces to select NFL players with similar names and pit them against each other. Each of the two prognosticators (if not procrastinators) will argue for one of the two players being more valuable to a fantasy team than his name-sake from this point forward (including playoffs). So, without further ado, let's face-off!

1) Rian Lindell BUF v. Ryan Longwell GB

JNR: I will take Ryan Longwell. Longwell, a pretty consistent fantasy kicker, has been struggling this year, netting only 26 fantasy points. Meanwhile, Rian with an "i" has been on a torrid pace for the Bills, quieting his critics with a whopping 42 fantasy points, while hitting on four 40+ yarders. But I still like Longwell down the stretch. The Pack's offense seems to be coming around (see the 52 point shalacking of New Orleans), giving Longwell more chances, and I think the late season winds in Buffalo will hurt Lindell.

MC: Both of these guys will score most of the points for their respective teams, but I gotta go with the girly spelling of the two. The Packers offense may be coming around, but that just means a couple more extra points for Ryan. The problem is the Green Bay defense is horrible and haven't stopped anyone except the road weary Saints (without Joe Horn and Deuce McAllister [for some of the game]). They will give up tons of points, and field goals will not help them. On the other hand, Buffalo's defense is still good enough to hold opposing teams under 21 points (especially at home). Rian will be asked to win games and, therefore will get more opportunities for fantasy owners.

2) Stephen Davis CAR v. Domanick Davis HOU

JNR: Tough one--but I'll take Dominick. Sorry, Stevie, but count me as one of the doubters who think that your once-microfactured knee isn't going to hold up over 16 games. Dom isn't a model of health either, missing some significant time last year due to injury--but he'll get more touches. Guaranteed.

MC: Not nearly as tough for me. Dominick, hands down. The Panthers have expressed interest in getting Deshaun Foster a lot more carries, and he should take a good chunk of points away from Stephen. Domanick seems to be the only Texan capable of producing yards (although the TDs will be tough to come by) so unless you're in a touchdowns only league, Domanick is your guy.

3) Jimmy Smith JAX v. Steve Smith CAR

JNR: I love Steve Smith, but my heart says Jimmy. At 100 years old, Jimmy is still the go-to guy in Jacksonville--plus, I love his playoff matchups (week 15: san fran; week 16: houston).

MC: Jimmy Smith is about as consistent a receiver as you're going to find. However, Steve Smith is turning out to be an absolute stud. Delhomme seems to have tunnel vision and will be feeding the beast all year. Jimmy might be the better receiver in reality, but in fantasy, Steve is the man.

4) Larry Fitgerald ARZ v. Larry Johnson KC

JNR: Grandmama--by a mile. Again, I've got to base this prediction on injury. Priest Holmes will slow at the end of the season, paving the way for LJ to carry this team. And how many games can Boldin and Fitzgerald catch 10 balls? There just aren't that many balls in Zona to go around--which means Larry F. will come out on the short-end of the stick for at least a few games.

MC: I gotta disagree once again. The Cardinals will be passing like crazy and it's gonna be tough for a defense to double Fitzgerald with Boldin on the other side, not to mention Arizona's propensity to use a lot of three receiver sets. Keep in mind that at this moment, LJ is still only getting a third of the carries in KC--he is making the most of them though. Fitzgerald and Boldin will have defenses picking their poison in the tradition of Carter-Moss and Holt-Bruce--one of them is gonna kill you (from a fantasy point persective of course, as the Cards couldn't kill time). Fitzy will be the deep ball threat and will be active in every game due to the Cards lack of running game and defense. Just keep in mind, that if Priest gets hurt (and my compadre seems sure of this), LJ is a top 5 fantasy running back.

5) Will(ie) Parker PIT v. Will(is) McGahee BUF

JNR: Will Parker is going to surprise some people by season's end. I don't care if he's splitting the backfield with 10 guys, he's young, fast, and strong. Those "other" guys (Staley and the Bus) are plain old. They'll get their touches, but Parker's outstanding play will keep him on the field and in the endzone.

MC: Whatchu talkin' bout? You gotta go with Willis. He is the Buffalo offense right now. Fast Willie will have some game-breakers, but the Bus will steal many of his goal line carries which are so coveted by fantasy owners. Willis, on the other hand, will get all of the goal line carries and will get about half of Buffalo's total yards on offense. And just for the record, JNR is a Bills fan and MC is a Steelers fan. Go figure.

Things that make you go "hmmm"...

As a kid, Michael Irvin would eat his cereal with water. He got used to it, and to this day, eats his cereal with water every morning.

Saints running back Deuce McAllister's birth name is Dulymus Jenod McAllister. He was given his nickname by his high school football coach.

The middle name Constantine is shared by both Dan Marino and Johnny Unitas.

The Tennessee Titans' mascot is a raccoon named T-Rac. The organization picked the raccoon because it is Tennessee's official state animal.

Falcons tight end Alge Crumpler was born Algernon Darius Crumpler. His father (Carlester) and brother (Carlester Jr.) are former NFL tight ends.

Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens' full name is Terrell Eldorado Owens.

Broncos safety John Lynch is in the Baseball Hall of Fame as he was drafted originally by the Florida Marlins as a pitcher and threw out the first pitch in franchise history.

When Cleveland moved their franchise to Baltimore, they had a radio contest to "name the team". The winner chose "Ravens" after Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven" which was written by Poe at his home in Baltimore. Art Modell promises to move the team "nevermore".

Elvis Presley's favorite player was Cleveland Browns running back Jim Brown.

In 1977 as a member of the Pittsburgh Steelers, current Colts head coach Tony Dungy became the most recent player in league history to intercept a pass and throw an interception in the same game.

Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck has been struck by lightning... twice!

Patriots kicker Adam Vinatieri is a cousin of daredevil Evel Knievel.

Kicker John Hall has recorded three personal fouls in his career, but insists that "it's nothing personal".

Random Observations: Week 4 Edition
(enjoy)

Culpepper Observation of the Week: After Donovan McNabb had his 3rd straight game with 300+ passing yards, rumor has it that Daunte Culpepper is looking into getting one of those sports hernia things.

Glitch in the Matrix: P. Manning - 4 TDs, 29 FP... E. Manning - 4 TDs, 29 FP

Glitch in the Matrix ReLoaded: There are three guys named Derrick Johnson and three guys named Eric Johnson in the NFL.

Stat of the Week: There are 32 teams in the NFL; David Carr is ranked #33 in the NFL in passing yards.

Sell Out of the Week: Okay, it's bad enough that Donovan McNabb is on the cover of Madden '06, and we all know the history on that, but at least he chose to do that himself. But what's up with his mom promoting Campbell's New England Cham Chowder... couldn't she have chosen ANY other type of chowder?

Main Event: Rod Smith vs. Clinton Portis
Undercard: Herman Edwards vs. the New York Media

Coaching Move of the Week: Evidently, Chargers head coach Marty Schottenheimer finally received his copy of How to Use L.T. For Dummies.

Rage Against the Machine of the Week: You probably noticed the little green decal which said "Futbol Americano" on the helmets of all the players this past week. Well... almost all the players. Jake Plummer or as I like to refer to him, the Decal Miscreant, defied the league and did not place the decal on his helmet.

Quote of the Week: "Guys, hard to describe the words I'm feeling right now. Yikes. Dagnabit. Whoa Nelly!" --Eagles defensive tackle Hollis Thomas who was mic'd after Dante Hall's kickoff return touchdown

MC's Soapbox: Okay, what's up with those Survivor ads? Do the CBS execs really think we're that stupid? The viewers are promised to "witness something that has never happened before!" Something that will never EVER happen is you catching MC watching Survivor.

Call of the Week: Anyone else notice referee Ed Hochuli announce his first penalty call in English and then in Spanish? Very cool. In fact I changed over to the SAP on my TV and listened to the announcers in Espanol. I wish we could get some of our English speaking commentators to get that excited (someone besides John Madden of course).

Nonsense of the Week (Que Barbaridad de la Semana): Along those same lines, both the Forty-Niners and Cardinals missed out on some golden opportunities for some end-zone dances. Have you ever watched a soccer (futbol) game and seen the wild dashes and excitement after a goal? I could see a football player ripping off his jersey and waving it around his head... really... I could!

Catch of the Week: Until Sunday, I have never seen Randy Moss get caught from behind on a straight out sprint for the end-zone. Nice work Terence Newman. The Cowboys even held the Raiders to a field goal that drive.

Hard Luck Player of the Season: So far this season it has to be Cincinnati wide out T.J. Houshmandzadeh. For the third time in four games, T.J. scored a touchdown only to see it nullified by penalty.

2005 No One Liked The Other Name
League Standings

DISPOSABLE HEROES (MC) [4-0-0]
309 Pts (NOLTON Pts Rank: 1) -- 4 game winning streak
Franchise Player: PK Adam Vinatieri NE (30 FP)

TONY CLIFTON [3-1-0]
283 Pts (NOLTON Pts Rank: 2) -- 3 game winning streak
Franchise Player: RB Tiki Barber NYG (43 FP)

JUGGERNUTZ [2-1-1]
245 Pts (NOLTON Pts Rank: 6) -- 1 game losing streak
Franchise Player: DEF Pittsburgh Steelers PIT (38 FP)

ANTI-RYAN (JNR) [2-2-0]
271 Pts (NOLTON Pts Rank: 3) -- 2 game losing streak
Franchise Player: TE Antonio Gates SD (19 FP)

C-BASS GIT-R-DONE [2-2-0]
210 Pts (NOLTON Pts Rank: 8) -- 1 game winning streak
Franchise Player: WR Ashley Lelie DEN (5 FP)

JOEY JOE JOE SHABADOO [2-2-0]
192 Pts (NOLTON Pts Rank: 9) -- 1 game winning streak
Franchise Player: PK David Akers PHI [inj] (15 FP)

STEWIE GRIFFIN [1-2-1]
236 Pts (NOLTON Pts Rank: 7) -- 1 game losing streak
Franchise Player: WR Reggie Wayne IND (14 FP)

FENTONS [1-3-0]
258 Pts (NOLTON Pts Rank: 4) -- 1 game winning streak
Franchise Player: RB Willis McGahee BUF (29 FP)

SMACKDOWN [1-3-0]
252 Pts (NOLTON Pts Rank: 5) -- 1 game losing streak
Franchise Player: WR Eddie Kennison KC (22 FP)

TERRY'S TITANS [1-3-0]
157 Pts (NOLTON Pts Rank: 10) -- 3 game losing streak
Franchise Player: TE Alge Crumpler ATL (13 FP)

The season is young, but even at this point, not lacking surprises (both good and... not so good). With all due respect to the Carson Palmers, Keenan McCardells, Ahman Greens, and Kevin Joneseses of this world, here are my top 5 pleasant and unpleasant surprises so far this season...


Top 5 Pleasant Surprises


QB Eli Manning NYG, C-Bass Git-R-Done... When Eli was a rookie, Peyton was quoted as saying Eli was the best quarterback in the Manning family. You know what? Peyton's a pretty smart guy. Maybe he was just being nice, but then again...

RB Willie Parker PIT, Fentons... It remains to be seen how long his role as the feature (and lone) back in Pittsburgh will last, but to this point in the season, "Fast" Willie Parker is definitely one of the NFL and fantasy's most pleasant surprises.

DEF Indianapolis Colts IND, Disposable Heroes... The baby horses are allowing less than 7 points per game in 2005 and treating opposing QBs like ragdolls. The question remains, did Peyton finally sell his soul to the devil for a defense?

WR Plaxico Burress NYG, Anti-Ryan... Eli to Plaxico is right up there this season with such potent combinations as Carson to Chad, Peyton to Marvin, and even (dare I say?) Donovan to Terrell.


RB Thomas Jones CHI, Joey Joe Joe Shabadoo... This is case of keeping up with the Jones'. Despite the shadow of number one pick Cedric Benson looming over him, all Thomas (36 FP) has done is outperformed other high profile Jones', Julius (33 FP) and Kevin (12 FP), in one fewer game played.


Top 5 Unpleasant Surprises

QB Daunte Culpepper MIN, Joey Joe Joe Shabadoo... 13 turnovers and just 5 TDs in 4 games is not exactly what fantasy owners were expecting when they made Culpepper a top selection in this years draft.

TE Tony Gonzalez KC, Stewie Griffin... Missing: 6'5", 251 lbs, Hispanic male... if found, please contact the Kansas City Chiefs c/o Dick Vermeil.


DEF Baltimore Ravens BAL, Tony Clifton... Overwhelming #1 projected defense going into this season. To this point, they've forced one turnover. Ray has got his work cut out for him getting this squad back to prominence.

RB Jamal Lewis BAL, C-Bass Git-R-Done... In a season that is already a disaster for the Ravens, Jamal Lewis can't seem to find the holes in the line. His stats stand at less than 35 rushing yards per game and more fumbles lost than touchdowns scored. Yikes.

QB Peyton Manning IND, Terry's Titans... Although he's improved his average after his 4 TD performance vs. the Titans this Sunday, Peyton has not been his usual scoring machine self. Manning was the undisputed #1 quarterback going into 2005 coming off of his record shattering 2004. However, even though the Colts are winning, his sub-par performances certainly mean his fantasy team is not. Let's put it this way, Ben Roethlisberger has one more point than Manning in one fewer game (49-48). Double Yikes.


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